Gremlins Online!

I had a surprisingly uneventful day at work, so when I left I asked my wife if she wanted anything on the way home. She decided she desired a late-night snack from the local supermarket. Sounds good, I told her, and I was looking forward to getting home a bit earlier than usual, so we could spend a bit of time chatting or playing random video games in the same room. We live an exciting life.

As I left the supermarket we go to a few times a week, I passed the usual vending machine which has fidget spinners, sticky hands, cheap plastic jewelry and the other usual not-as-good-as-when-we-were-kids trinkets.

This time though, the sticker machine caught my eye. “TERROR STICKERS” it proudly proclaimed.

As you can see, the stickers feature not-quite-on-brand designs of legendary horror icons.
We have Kinda Sorta Leatherface, A decent Leprechaun,  Old-Age Pennywise, Angry guy breaking through a wood hut, Wood-shop killer doll, Reflective Jason Voorhees, and Almost Hannibal Lecter.

I don’t regularly have change for chance encounters like this but fate smiled upon me as I searched my pockets at 10pm at night in front of a vending machine like a maniac, and a few quarters were found!

My mind reeled with thoughts of getting some awesome TERROR STICKERS. I was already planning on where they would live on my laptop followed by my witty posts showing them off on twitter and Instagram with my fellow horror fan friends!

Phone at the ready, wanting to document the moment the sticker came out of the machine, I put two quarters in and out came my prize…

Alright, way to not conform to gender stereotypes, sticker machine! (Also I am left handed, so turning the cardboard around while trying to get a shot of the odd sleeve was more difficult than you can imagine, hence the awkward right hand position)

As I opened my Girls-only sleeve, I was greeted by this…flaming bull tattoo?

Not really positive what makes this specific tattoo “Girls Only” but that’s fine. Mistakes happen. What are the chances of two weird results in a row? Those knockoff horror icons were begging me to throw a couple more quarters in the slot. I just had to. My lovely wife would understand waiting a bit longer for her food, right?

Block On. Yes. Block…On.
This sad not-quite-creeper wearing headphones seemed to reflect my feelings of now spending a full american dollar on temporary tattoos that I probably will wear at some point to feel I got my money’s worth.

At this point I was committed to the gimmick. I have to continue, I spent a dollar, there were more quarters in my pocket, and the quicker I get my TERROR STICKERS the quicker I can get home!

What. The. Hell.

At first glance, I thought it was a whale vomiting a thorny vine while fire erupted at odd intervals, but upon closer inspection, I realized this was another tattoo, and not a TERROR STICKER. This design seems more appropriate for a metal POG Slammer (with buzzsaw-style sides naturally) then a temporary tattoo in a vending machine labeled TERROR STICKERS in the year of our lord two-thousand-eighteen. In fact 12 year-old me was dreaming of said slammer, and I suddenly really missed my massive POG collection.

I pressed on, digging now, through my pockets, knowing that there had to be a TERROR STICKER waiting for me. I emptied my pockets on to the top of the vending machine as the few customers coming in and leaving looked at me oddly. I considered texting my wife letting her know that her food would be home soon, but I am stuck at a vending machine that is taunting me with off-brand TERROR STICKERS but only dispensing the oddest tattoos imaginable.

I found another dollar in quarters.

A Mega Man – inspired knockoff deadpool tattoo along with curly mustache.

My brain froze. I actually felt it screech to a halt as I tried desperately to figure this one out. Deadpool is a popular thing, and while I have not seen the movies -though I own both digitally- I don’t think he turned into a Mega Man clone, said “MEGA COOL” and gave the audience pixelated curly mustaches. I could be wrong, I’ll get around to watching the movies someday when I am not re-watching Trick Or Treat (Featuring Sammi Curr, Rock’s Chosen Warrior) over and over.

That Girls Only sleeve still bugged me, so I resolved to spend the last two quarters in the Disney Princesses slot of the machine on the off-chance that maybe the contents were switched upon loading by the vendor.

Convinced I was going to get a text from my wife wondering if I was dead and she should collect the life insurance, move to Toronto to be with her best friend, spend her days writing and surrounded by cats, I had to make this quick.  The employees likely were wondering why a 36 year-old guy in a Pusheen shirt is sweating the TERROR STICKERS vending machine, and probably had the authorities ready to dial.

Slotting in the quarters I pushed the mechanism and..

Nothing.

The machine jammed. Maybe it was empty. It certainly took my quarters but nothing came out. I poked around the slot a bit and found nothing. no TERROR STICKERS. No Disney Princesses, no random assortment of Tattoos. Just nothing.

I collected my four awkwardly assorted tattoos and left.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t check my pockets one last time to try again. I won’t even deny that I considered going to the service counter to get a $5 in my pocket changed into quarters to get myself those TERROR STICKERS.
Alas, I was defeated and went home, to my hungry wife.

As I walked in, I apologized for taking so long, and she was clearly unconcerned with the fact I spent over 15 minutes agonizing over bootleg horror icons instead of bringing her requested foodstuffs home with urgency. Instead, she was just happy I was home a bit earlier than normal on a Friday night.

I peeked at my tattoos again, deciding what to do with them, knowing that regardless of my plans, I will likely find an excuse to go back to the store and keep buying from that slot until it jams, I get those TERROR STICKERS,  or my car gets repossessed from lack of payment due to my stupid obsession with idiotic stickers.

At least they made an interesting blog post.

Thanks for joining me on this utterly anticlimactic adventure in disappointment.